So, I decided to take a break from all the grad school work that I've done today. And I'm going to write 50 facts about me. Haha. I doubt anyone knows all of these things and I know not a whole lot of people read this anyways, but I just felt like writing without having to think too much. :-) And yeah, I took a bunch of these from old Facebook notes but I'm sure nobody has read them so I don't feel bad for repeating some of them.
1. I love snuggling with stuffed animals and blankets, but I'm not big on snuggling with people. Unless they're little kids. Or if I REALLY like you. :-)
2. I absolutely adore candy canes and hot chocolate but don't really like peppermint hot chocolate.
3. I love scary movies. Not blood and guts movies, but psychological thriller movies that could actually happen like Memento, The Strangers, Identity etc.
4. To me, it isn't Christmas until I watch A Christmas Story and the claymation version of Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer.
5. My favorite holiday is Independence Day.
6. Sometimes I think that I'm just doing things to make other people happy.
7. I have a terribly hard time letting go of the past and people from my past, regardless of whether they're good for me or not.
8. When I'm upset, coloring makes me feel better.
9. I will almost always pick a Disney movie over most others if given the choice.
10. I really don't like peanut butter and chocolate mixed and I don't like white chocolate.
11. I can't handle eating anything spicy, but I don't have a problem making it for people who like it.
12. I LOVE holding hands, more than almost anything, but I won't just hold hands with anyone. If I sincerely care about you a lot, I'll hold your hand. And I'll hold my students' hands and my godkids' because I love them all so freaking much! Haha
13. I'm incredibly stubborn and have a tough time admitting when I'm wrong or when I'm being ridiculous. If I break first or apologize first, I must care about you a whole heck of a lot.
14. I adore driving. I do my best thinking and have made many decision and talked out countless problems and issues in my car, Toby :-)
15. I would love to be bilingual or trilingual, preferably in Spanish, Arabic or ASL.
16. My eyes turn green when I'm mad, upset or have been crying.
17. Grammar is important to me and I notice the differences between your and you're, their and they're.
18. My favorite phrase in the whole world is "yes ma'am".
19. I am an incredibly emotional person and cry easily in movies and while listening to songs.
20. Organizations like the USO, Paralympics, the Wounded Warrior Project and Special Olympics are VERY important to me and I will not tolerate any derogatory treatment or verbage about anyone with any form of disability.
21. I love writing and receiving hand written letters and cards.
22. I love cooking and baking and try to do so as often as possible.
23. Most of my greatest memories come from places I've traveled to or people I've traveled with.
24. I need very little sleep to function, sometimes none at all for a few days. It's pretty disgusting, really.
25. I get really nervous when I have a cold or the flu or any kind of upper respiratory infection because I don't want one of my preexisting issues to flare up again.
26. I can tell you the exact moment I fell in love with the person I'm in love with, but not the day or time.
27. The study of people and the way the brain processes things will never cease to fascinate me.
28. I could watch the Indiana Jones series and the Back to the Future series every day; adventures make my heart happy.
29. I love silver jewelry but I'm kind of picky on the exact kinds that I'll wear.
30. I'm not the best with free time; I'm never quite sure what to do with it and end up doing work when I should be relaxing.
31. I love new friends and old friends ... and I love when new friends become old friends.
32. I firmly believe that only when studying other cultures and religions can you truly understand your inherent and unique individuality. Consequently, I've spent the last several years studying the politics, culture, religion and languages of the Middle East (politics, history, culture, religion, language), Europe (politics), Asia (politics, culture, history) and Africa (history, religion and culture).
33. I used to think that you could be in love with more than one person and that it was ok, as long as you didn't act on it. I don't think I believe that anymore.
34. Being smart and cultured and open to new ideas is, to me, the most attractive thing about a person. I don't care if you drive a nice car, make a lot of money, or have a lot of nice things if you don't have passion, goals, apply yourself, have traveled (or want to travel) and are closed minded.
35. I really really really want a horse. I adore riding and want to do so in an open field or forest and just see where I end up. (I think that's part of why I connected with Yosef so much; he made me take Sariah and just ride for as long as I wanted. I would have loved to. Silly group tours and schedules. ;-) Ohhh Petra.)
36. I used to believe that I was nowhere near as strong as I made myself out to be. Now, I realize that I can handle so much more than I've ever given myself credit for. But that doesn't mean that I don't need encouragement!
37. Snuggling under blankets is sensational, no matter what time of year.
38. I think that knowing what a person's biggest wish/impossible goal is says a lot about them.
39. When I get really super mad, my teeth chatter and my hands shake.
40. Board games are super fun and when I have my own family, I hope to instill a family game night once every 2 weeks or so.
41.I adore learning about the Civil War. One day in high school, my (then) best friend picked me up and drove us to Gettysburg, just for fun, because he knew I had had a rough day. :-) He was so thoughtful.
42. I'm allergic to cortizone and codeine.
43. I never use an umbrella. That being said, I love dancing and kissing in the rain.
44. I'm OCD about certain things ... I always feel the need to drive a certain way to get somewhere, I have to double check the locks on the doors every night, etc.
45. Having to pay for parking is one of my pet peeves; I'll generally park farther away if it's free.
46. I adore hippos and have a mini collection. They're cute.
47. Disney World defines my childhood. I love everything about it.
48. I'm an awful liar. Simply awful.
49. I love beginnings, but I know that endings have to come before beginnings can happen. Some of the most beautiful things in my life have ended ... but endings bring about strength and teach lessons that could never have been learned otherwise. And I can definitely appreciate that.
50. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a purpose ... that it is up to us to discover that purpose ... and that more often than not, we won't understand ... even if we find an answer. Regardless, I believe that everything works out for the best. Always. What's meant to be will always find a way.
If you're reading this, you should try writing 50 things about yourself! I'd love to read it :-)
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
5 Years!
February 24, 2006 changed my life. To make a long story short, I had a pretty bad accident that has had lasting effects on my life. For a longer story ... I slipped and fell on ice, breaking my nose and my jaw. I slammed my head onto the pavement and was knocked out for about an hour. My brain crashed into the front of my skull, then to the back, and to the front again before finally settling. Concrete was embedded into one of my teeth next to my 2 front ones, and my two front teeth were knocked out. Well, one was knocked out completely, tooth and nerve, and the other was pushed up, out, and cracked half off, exposing a severed nerve. As a result of the traumatic brain injury (TBI), I developed ADHD, chronic migraines, chronic insomnia, short term memory loss, and my PTSD was intensified. The doctors told me I probably shouldn't have survived.
Starting the next morning, I had migraines EVERY day for 3 1/2 years. They only became less frequent and less intense after a ridiculous number of trips to see a chiropractor. My chiro did an XRay and showed me that when I fell, my neck snapped back and is now curved in an opposite way than the normal growth, which is one contributor to my migraines. Unfortunately, even after 5 years, I don't know my triggers because the migraines occur so frequently and so intensely. I have one currently that I have had since Tuesday. It's not too fun, but fortunately, I have what doctors have told me is a "ridiculously high pain tolerance" and am able to go about my day and still go to work and live my life as "normally" as I can. I've tried a number of different prescription drugs, herbal remedies, avoidance of activities and foods and nothing seems to have an effect.
My short term memory loss has been an issue, even recently, where I'll walk upstairs and forget why, or I'll watch a TV show and not remember what I was watching after the first commercial. It's been frustrating to have to repeatedly ask my friends the same questions over and over because I just can't remember certain things. I've taken time every day to do brain teaser exercises in order to strengthen my short term memory and make sure my brain activity is still as sharp as it can be. That being said ...
I went to see several neurologists and brain specialists after the accident - military hospitals, private hospitals and consults with specialists. After a brain spect at the AMEN clinic, it was revealed that I had scalped the front and back sections of my brain so parts of them were dead. Because of that, I apparently have tapped into other sections of my brain that typically aren't used in order to compensate for the loss. The brain spect (and three 8 hour appointments with a neuropsychologist - UGH) showed that I have trauma induced ADD and Ring of Fire ADHD.
In a SPECT brain scan, PTSD shows up in a “diamond pattern.” The right temporal lobe, for example, involved in reliving and re-enacting past experiences and is one of the points of the “diamond” that lights up on a scan. Reliving past experiences or having flashbacks is one of the symptoms of PTSD. When it is over-active, it tends to be hyper-vigilent which is why people with PTSD, when triggered, feel on the alert or that something or someone is out to harm them. http://70.32.73.82/blog/tag/ptsd/
Frontal lobe damage seems to have an impact on divergent thinking, or flexibility and problem solving ability. One of the most common characteristics of frontal lobe damage is difficulty in interpreting feedback from the environment. Perseverating on a response (Milner, 1964), risk taking, and non-compliance with rules (Miller, 1985), and impaired associated learning (using external cues to help guide behavior) (Drewe, 1975) are a few examples of this type of deficit. http://www.neuroskills.com/brain-injury/frontal-lobes.php
They are characterized by impairments in executive function (planning, set shifting, verbal fluency, abstract reasoning, working memory), spatial cognition (visual spatial organization and memory) and linguistic processing (agrammatism and dysprosodia) when the lesions involve the hemispheric regions of the cerebellar posterior lobes. Further studies of the cerebellar role in cognition and emotion that are carefully designed and performed will have clinical relevance for cerebellar patients with impairments in mental flexibility, multitasking, visual-spatial organization, linguistic processing and mood. http://brain.oxfordjournals.org/content/129/2/290.full
I had these appointments in August when I went home for the summer but the injury was in February. I had an entire semester of college between those times and I don't like to be unsuccessful so with the encouragement of my family, friends and doctors out there, I worked my tail off and ended up with a 3.7 GPA that semester. I had to reteach myself how to study, how to learn, how to take notes. I don't like to appear weak so I rarely asked for help and was completely independent in the educational aspects.
(Backing up ...) Nate Bond, Lindsay Arcand and Melissa Bennetts will forever be in my heart. The three of them saved my life that weekend and I honestly wouldn't be where I am today without them. I won't go into the details, but I hope they know how grateful I am for everything they did for me, that weekend and beyond. I'm still amazed at the level to which they cared about me, and how they acted without hesitation, for someone they had only known for a few months. Thank you for being so wonderful!
We drove back to De Pere from Rhinelander the following Sunday and I immediately went to see a local dentist, who my parents found online, who came into the office specifically to see me. He was like a big ol'teddy bear and I adored him. My mouth was so swollen that he unfortunately couldn't do anything immediately, but about a week later, he pulled the other front tooth, shaved down the tooth that had the concrete embedded in it and told me to come back in a couple weeks to be fitted for temporary fake teeth. So, 2 weeks later, I went in and he made me some teeth haha. I don't remember the date of my surgery but I *think* it was in April, but my dad flew out to Wisconsin to be there with me for it. We drove to the dentist and they talked for a bit (After exchanging e-mails and after Dr B sent my parents pictures of my mouth. Gross.) and then we walked across the street for my surgery. I had titanium rods screwed into my jawbone. The rods had to be screwed through the gums and into the jawbone and had to fuse to the bone for 6 months before the permanent fake teeth could be put in. I woke up during the surgery and felt everything sooo after a couple more doses of morphine, I was put under again. Not a fun experience :-) But, for my 20th birthday, I received my permanent two front teeth, and as my birthday is 6 days before Halloween, the first thing I bit into in 8 months was a caramel apple from Walmart. It was disgusting, but so worth it.
It's been a tough 5 years, but I'm proud of all that I've accomplished. I graduated from college in 3 1/2 years with a pretty decent GPA. While in college, I maintained my 3 jobs the entire time I was there, despite the accident, though I cut my hours that first semester. I, hopefully, have maintained friendships despite the issues with emotions and temper that the TBI left me with. I'm currently working full time with preschoolers who have Autism and am working on my Masters degree at Marymount for Special Education K-12. I've been able to study in, and travel to, several new countries and have thrived in those new environments. I don't think a lot of people really know the extent of what happened because until today, and to a couple different people, I haven't really talked about it too often. As mentioned earlier, I don't like to appear weak and I definitely don't like using my TBI as an excuse for things. But there are times when I genuinely can't remember things and I hope you'll remember that it's not something that I'm doing on purpose. I've worked so hard to get to where I am today and I definitely wouldn't have been able to have done it without the love and support of my family, friends and doctors.
My Untouchables were SO amazing through this whole process. Countless people bought me pudding, apple sauce, mashed potatoes and soup. So many people offered to let me use their car for doctor's appointments. And just having the love and support of a "family" while my own was so far away is something I'll always remember. I love U all!
I'm going to end this here. There's a ton more to say and I'm sure if I looked at my medical file, I could write down more, but I'm simply too exhausted and have too bad of a migraine to care to write much more than I already have. So this is me. I guess that's it. :-)
Starting the next morning, I had migraines EVERY day for 3 1/2 years. They only became less frequent and less intense after a ridiculous number of trips to see a chiropractor. My chiro did an XRay and showed me that when I fell, my neck snapped back and is now curved in an opposite way than the normal growth, which is one contributor to my migraines. Unfortunately, even after 5 years, I don't know my triggers because the migraines occur so frequently and so intensely. I have one currently that I have had since Tuesday. It's not too fun, but fortunately, I have what doctors have told me is a "ridiculously high pain tolerance" and am able to go about my day and still go to work and live my life as "normally" as I can. I've tried a number of different prescription drugs, herbal remedies, avoidance of activities and foods and nothing seems to have an effect.
My short term memory loss has been an issue, even recently, where I'll walk upstairs and forget why, or I'll watch a TV show and not remember what I was watching after the first commercial. It's been frustrating to have to repeatedly ask my friends the same questions over and over because I just can't remember certain things. I've taken time every day to do brain teaser exercises in order to strengthen my short term memory and make sure my brain activity is still as sharp as it can be. That being said ...
I went to see several neurologists and brain specialists after the accident - military hospitals, private hospitals and consults with specialists. After a brain spect at the AMEN clinic, it was revealed that I had scalped the front and back sections of my brain so parts of them were dead. Because of that, I apparently have tapped into other sections of my brain that typically aren't used in order to compensate for the loss. The brain spect (and three 8 hour appointments with a neuropsychologist - UGH) showed that I have trauma induced ADD and Ring of Fire ADHD.
In a SPECT brain scan, PTSD shows up in a “diamond pattern.” The right temporal lobe, for example, involved in reliving and re-enacting past experiences and is one of the points of the “diamond” that lights up on a scan. Reliving past experiences or having flashbacks is one of the symptoms of PTSD. When it is over-active, it tends to be hyper-vigilent which is why people with PTSD, when triggered, feel on the alert or that something or someone is out to harm them. http://70.32.73.82/blog/tag/ptsd/
Frontal lobe damage seems to have an impact on divergent thinking, or flexibility and problem solving ability. One of the most common characteristics of frontal lobe damage is difficulty in interpreting feedback from the environment. Perseverating on a response (Milner, 1964), risk taking, and non-compliance with rules (Miller, 1985), and impaired associated learning (using external cues to help guide behavior) (Drewe, 1975) are a few examples of this type of deficit. http://www.neuroskills.com/brain-injury/frontal-lobes.php
They are characterized by impairments in executive function (planning, set shifting, verbal fluency, abstract reasoning, working memory), spatial cognition (visual spatial organization and memory) and linguistic processing (agrammatism and dysprosodia) when the lesions involve the hemispheric regions of the cerebellar posterior lobes. Further studies of the cerebellar role in cognition and emotion that are carefully designed and performed will have clinical relevance for cerebellar patients with impairments in mental flexibility, multitasking, visual-spatial organization, linguistic processing and mood. http://brain.oxfordjournals.org/content/129/2/290.full
I had these appointments in August when I went home for the summer but the injury was in February. I had an entire semester of college between those times and I don't like to be unsuccessful so with the encouragement of my family, friends and doctors out there, I worked my tail off and ended up with a 3.7 GPA that semester. I had to reteach myself how to study, how to learn, how to take notes. I don't like to appear weak so I rarely asked for help and was completely independent in the educational aspects.
(Backing up ...) Nate Bond, Lindsay Arcand and Melissa Bennetts will forever be in my heart. The three of them saved my life that weekend and I honestly wouldn't be where I am today without them. I won't go into the details, but I hope they know how grateful I am for everything they did for me, that weekend and beyond. I'm still amazed at the level to which they cared about me, and how they acted without hesitation, for someone they had only known for a few months. Thank you for being so wonderful!
We drove back to De Pere from Rhinelander the following Sunday and I immediately went to see a local dentist, who my parents found online, who came into the office specifically to see me. He was like a big ol'teddy bear and I adored him. My mouth was so swollen that he unfortunately couldn't do anything immediately, but about a week later, he pulled the other front tooth, shaved down the tooth that had the concrete embedded in it and told me to come back in a couple weeks to be fitted for temporary fake teeth. So, 2 weeks later, I went in and he made me some teeth haha. I don't remember the date of my surgery but I *think* it was in April, but my dad flew out to Wisconsin to be there with me for it. We drove to the dentist and they talked for a bit (After exchanging e-mails and after Dr B sent my parents pictures of my mouth. Gross.) and then we walked across the street for my surgery. I had titanium rods screwed into my jawbone. The rods had to be screwed through the gums and into the jawbone and had to fuse to the bone for 6 months before the permanent fake teeth could be put in. I woke up during the surgery and felt everything sooo after a couple more doses of morphine, I was put under again. Not a fun experience :-) But, for my 20th birthday, I received my permanent two front teeth, and as my birthday is 6 days before Halloween, the first thing I bit into in 8 months was a caramel apple from Walmart. It was disgusting, but so worth it.
It's been a tough 5 years, but I'm proud of all that I've accomplished. I graduated from college in 3 1/2 years with a pretty decent GPA. While in college, I maintained my 3 jobs the entire time I was there, despite the accident, though I cut my hours that first semester. I, hopefully, have maintained friendships despite the issues with emotions and temper that the TBI left me with. I'm currently working full time with preschoolers who have Autism and am working on my Masters degree at Marymount for Special Education K-12. I've been able to study in, and travel to, several new countries and have thrived in those new environments. I don't think a lot of people really know the extent of what happened because until today, and to a couple different people, I haven't really talked about it too often. As mentioned earlier, I don't like to appear weak and I definitely don't like using my TBI as an excuse for things. But there are times when I genuinely can't remember things and I hope you'll remember that it's not something that I'm doing on purpose. I've worked so hard to get to where I am today and I definitely wouldn't have been able to have done it without the love and support of my family, friends and doctors.
My Untouchables were SO amazing through this whole process. Countless people bought me pudding, apple sauce, mashed potatoes and soup. So many people offered to let me use their car for doctor's appointments. And just having the love and support of a "family" while my own was so far away is something I'll always remember. I love U all!
I'm going to end this here. There's a ton more to say and I'm sure if I looked at my medical file, I could write down more, but I'm simply too exhausted and have too bad of a migraine to care to write much more than I already have. So this is me. I guess that's it. :-)
Sunday, February 20, 2011
A few rules
I went out into Adams Morgan last night with a good friend from college, Chris. Chris and I have the same philosophy surrounding travel and the meaning of life and the importance of EXPERIENCING things (that's for you, Kris! haha) Sitting in a hookah bar with him and his roommate last night really got me thinking on the inexcusably long Metro ride home. I thought about some recent things that happened to me, I thought about things that happened to me years ago, and I thought about things that I hope to happen to me in the future. I came up with a few "life rules" that I'm going to try my best to embrace. Here are some of them :-)
1.Never stop thinking. This is important. If someone ever says to you ‘You need to stop thinking so much,’ call them ignorant in your head and keep thinking deeper. It is this mentality that breeds stupidity and sheeple. Your mind is the most important tool you have, if you stop using it, it will atrophy. Question everything.
2. Everything is going to be just fine. Stressing about things beyond your control is foolish and unproductive. It will all work out as it should in the end. Note that that doesn't say that it will work out the way you would like for it to, but the way it should. While that might be tough to stomach, it will all be worth it.
3. Don’t be afraid to talk about anything. You shouldn’t be afraid of reality. This goes back to rule number 1; question everything! If you're unsure of something, ask! If you don't know where you stand in someones life, ask! If you are frustrated with something based on lack of information or knowledge, ask! What could it hurt? It's *almost* always better to know for sure and embrace reality than it is to constantly wonder "what if".
4. Everyone is a hypocrite. Sad, but true. I'm a hypocrite, you're a hypocrite. Just don't make it a habit :-)
5. You are all original. Every life experience is case sensitive and unique. Every time you wake up or go to the bathroom or quote someone else, you are becoming more you than anyone has ever been. I'll be honest, I try my best to never say "I understand" to people who tell me things because I don't understand and I never will. Regardless of whether or not I have experienced the exact same situation, I can never understand how that person feels. Because I'm not them! I don't have their background, their friends, their thoughts, their experiences. Likewise, very few things frustrate me more than someone telling me that they understand what I'm going through, or that they understand how I feel about something. Because, unfortunately, they don't. And while I agree that empathy is vitally important to humanity, there's a point where it just isn't really real.
6. Stop rushing. Shut up and embrace the sound of silence.Stop and slow down for a hot second. I'm HORRIBLE at this, which is why I can relate to number 4. I recognize the importance of relaxation, I'm just not very good at it haha.
7. Religion shouldn’t be taught, it should be found. And it should be personal. No one should tell you what to believe except you. There are so many things I wish to say about religion, but I'll save it for a later post :-) And while we're on the subject…
8. Don’t be restrained by one religion. People change every moment of every day. Minds grow and evolve. Religion has no law so feel free to mix and match. Make your own. I don't think feeling this way makes me blasphemous. Religion is based on ideas of man that were written down and practiced all over the world. Again, I'm not going to get too into it ...
9. Talking to yourself is healthy. Is there anyone that you have more in common with? Talking things out can save you from making mistakes or from saying or doing something you might later regret.
10. Ok, here's the hypocritical thing again, don't have any regrets! Do everything you want to do, whenever you want to do it. Don't regret anything. Don't do things that may cause you to have regrets. Own your life, or it will own you.
11. "There is no such thing as time. The sun never sets or rises. Days and years don’t exist. There is only your life. Earlier today you were born and death is predicted later in the evening." I don't remember where I read this, but I think it's a sensational point of view. It reminds me of Arab time. In the Middle East, there are "times" posted for things, but a lot of places run on Arab time which could be anywhere between 15 minutes to 2 hours late. I appreciate life so much more when things are run using Arab time haha because you're just living your life, not thinking about deadlines or having to be somewhere or what needs to happen next. Just live in the moment. That being said ...
12. We will always be in a transitional phase. Look outside and know that everything will be replaced at some point. This existence is temporary.
13. Be happy, but don’t force it. Be honest if you aren't happy, but strive to be. If you have a day where you feel like you aren't happy, be proactive! Do something to put yourself in the position where you can be happy.
14. Ask a child for advice. They may not know much, but they know what is important. Take the time to do things that will bring you back to a child's mindsight. Watch children's movies, color, make chocolate chip cookies, reminisce about your childhood with an old friend. I know that living in the past isn't the best idea, but sometimes, it's healthy to catch a little glimpse.Everything in moderation :-)
15. Words will always be just words. Love is just another four letter word, only the feeling is real. Don't take things too seriously, even this. :-)
So this wasn't my most beautifully written post, nor did it really include anything terribly profound but it was time for another post and I just had some thoughts from last night that I wanted to write down. So, here they are!
1.Never stop thinking. This is important. If someone ever says to you ‘You need to stop thinking so much,’ call them ignorant in your head and keep thinking deeper. It is this mentality that breeds stupidity and sheeple. Your mind is the most important tool you have, if you stop using it, it will atrophy. Question everything.
2. Everything is going to be just fine. Stressing about things beyond your control is foolish and unproductive. It will all work out as it should in the end. Note that that doesn't say that it will work out the way you would like for it to, but the way it should. While that might be tough to stomach, it will all be worth it.
3. Don’t be afraid to talk about anything. You shouldn’t be afraid of reality. This goes back to rule number 1; question everything! If you're unsure of something, ask! If you don't know where you stand in someones life, ask! If you are frustrated with something based on lack of information or knowledge, ask! What could it hurt? It's *almost* always better to know for sure and embrace reality than it is to constantly wonder "what if".
4. Everyone is a hypocrite. Sad, but true. I'm a hypocrite, you're a hypocrite. Just don't make it a habit :-)
5. You are all original. Every life experience is case sensitive and unique. Every time you wake up or go to the bathroom or quote someone else, you are becoming more you than anyone has ever been. I'll be honest, I try my best to never say "I understand" to people who tell me things because I don't understand and I never will. Regardless of whether or not I have experienced the exact same situation, I can never understand how that person feels. Because I'm not them! I don't have their background, their friends, their thoughts, their experiences. Likewise, very few things frustrate me more than someone telling me that they understand what I'm going through, or that they understand how I feel about something. Because, unfortunately, they don't. And while I agree that empathy is vitally important to humanity, there's a point where it just isn't really real.
6. Stop rushing. Shut up and embrace the sound of silence.Stop and slow down for a hot second. I'm HORRIBLE at this, which is why I can relate to number 4. I recognize the importance of relaxation, I'm just not very good at it haha.
7. Religion shouldn’t be taught, it should be found. And it should be personal. No one should tell you what to believe except you. There are so many things I wish to say about religion, but I'll save it for a later post :-) And while we're on the subject…
8. Don’t be restrained by one religion. People change every moment of every day. Minds grow and evolve. Religion has no law so feel free to mix and match. Make your own. I don't think feeling this way makes me blasphemous. Religion is based on ideas of man that were written down and practiced all over the world. Again, I'm not going to get too into it ...
9. Talking to yourself is healthy. Is there anyone that you have more in common with? Talking things out can save you from making mistakes or from saying or doing something you might later regret.
10. Ok, here's the hypocritical thing again, don't have any regrets! Do everything you want to do, whenever you want to do it. Don't regret anything. Don't do things that may cause you to have regrets. Own your life, or it will own you.
11. "There is no such thing as time. The sun never sets or rises. Days and years don’t exist. There is only your life. Earlier today you were born and death is predicted later in the evening." I don't remember where I read this, but I think it's a sensational point of view. It reminds me of Arab time. In the Middle East, there are "times" posted for things, but a lot of places run on Arab time which could be anywhere between 15 minutes to 2 hours late. I appreciate life so much more when things are run using Arab time haha because you're just living your life, not thinking about deadlines or having to be somewhere or what needs to happen next. Just live in the moment. That being said ...
12. We will always be in a transitional phase. Look outside and know that everything will be replaced at some point. This existence is temporary.
13. Be happy, but don’t force it. Be honest if you aren't happy, but strive to be. If you have a day where you feel like you aren't happy, be proactive! Do something to put yourself in the position where you can be happy.
14. Ask a child for advice. They may not know much, but they know what is important. Take the time to do things that will bring you back to a child's mindsight. Watch children's movies, color, make chocolate chip cookies, reminisce about your childhood with an old friend. I know that living in the past isn't the best idea, but sometimes, it's healthy to catch a little glimpse.Everything in moderation :-)
15. Words will always be just words. Love is just another four letter word, only the feeling is real. Don't take things too seriously, even this. :-)
So this wasn't my most beautifully written post, nor did it really include anything terribly profound but it was time for another post and I just had some thoughts from last night that I wanted to write down. So, here they are!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
My outlook on life (age 19!)
I was organizing my room tonight and found all my old journals and diaries and notebooks from class. I flipped through my Italian/Greek Tragedy and Mythology class notebook and found some writing that I had done; felt like I wanted to share it. I wish I had the patience and the time to sit here and type up how incredible of an experience Sicily was, but I don't, so here's just part of how my outlook on life changed after my study abroad experience there!
(Transferring, word for word, what I found in this notebook from January 2006. I'll add paragraphs because it will be easier to read than how I initially wrote it ahha)
"Life. Hmmm. Sometimes you need things to fall apart so you can realize how desperately you need for them to fall together. Sitting in an Italian cafe drinking liters of wine with a close group of friends, watching the most incredibly gorgeous sunset ... watching the sun sink into the clear blue-green Mediterranean Sea ... you really figure out what's important in life, what's important to you; what you want out of life. Happiness is a destination. Life is nothing more than the happiness you get out of it. I've learned to never swear to anything, for events may call me a liar. I'm not scared of what I was scared of before. If something's meant to happen, it'll happen. Good or bad - shit happens when you party naked wearing nothing but cowboy boots!" (Hahahaha Chris Zerega would say this nearly every night ... goodness. I forgot all about that!)
"How many people look at the sunset and can replay the entirety of their life in one night? What scenes will you see flash before you? The good? With everyone you hold dear smiling and genuinely happy? Or the bad? Focusing on you and your own misfortunes ... how terribly selfish. STRIVE for happiness. Have no regrets. Do everything you've ever wanted to do. Never be plagued by 'what if's'. Never go to bed angry. Don't go to bed with questions - find answers when you're awake; dwelling on issues doesn't EVER solve them, it just delays them which is 100% unhealthy.
My life altering experience happened in Sicily on a small island called Ortigia, off a small city named Siracusa. New Years Eve was the first day! Getting to ring in the new year with people who I didn't know was a bit nerve wracking, but after spending 24/7 with them for the past 3 weeks, I don't think I could hand pick a better group of people to have shared that experience with. Drinking til early morning, speaking Italian, terribly and getting hit on by creepos, seeing 3 shooting stars and KNOWING that everything's gonna be ok ... watching the sun rise and set over the most beautiful body of water I've seen, being away from reality, feeling like you're in an alternate reality, stepping into the streets of Oretigia, experiencing the unique culture of Sicilians ... I've longed to discover something as true as this is ... I owe the 'new Amy' solely to the times I had in Sicily, partly to the conversations, events, adventures, jokes, and experiences shared with the best group of 9 people I could have hoped to start a new year with. Thanks go out to April Pigott, Tara Strey, Jenny Brice, Megan McDonald, Amy Porter, Dave Dahlquist, Justin Gassner, Richard Scott and Chris Zerega. All y'all definitely helped me figure out who I am and who I want to be. Being able to start 2006 with people who don't know the old me definitely helped me shape the person I want to become. I am now who I want to be. For the first time in awhile, I can honestly say that I'm truly happy. I am happy about who I am. I am happy about my life - in the direction it's going - about, everything.
I can't even begin to explain everything that I've experienced here and everything I've realized since coming on this trip. Regarding one specific thing, I'm going to leap. I'm reaching for the moon! If I fall, then I fall. It's happened before and it will happen again. But I've now realized that I can deal with it and I will. If things work out, great. If not, oh well. Shit happens when you party naked wearing nothing but cowboy boots! (Geez. Clearly that was a popular phrase! Thanks a lot, Chris haha) I'm gonna go full force and have no regrets. To quote Rent, 'forget regret or life is yours to miss'. I don't want to miss anything. I'm going to do everything that I want to, no hesitations. Seeing how happy these people are has helped me realize how important the simple things in life are. A hug, a letter, a phone call, an email, a good movie, a smile ... things like that are what life is worth living for. That's the good stuff.
I definitely needed a wake-up call. Coming here might have been one of the most positive decisions I've made for myself. I found out who I am. No. I changed who I was into who I wanted to be. And like I said, I've never been happier with myself. I'm happy, I'm in love - I have great friends and even greater memories from one of the most fascinatingly beautiful places I've traveled to. Viva Italia, Siracusa mi amore!
I just can't get over the fact that in 3 days, I just have to up and leave everything behind. It's going to be difficult. Granted, leaving the restaurant will be tough! Luca, Franco, Pepe (ahhh Pepe, my love!!!! Oh man. I still have my hippo!) and the entire staff made it feel like home. Saying goodbye to Hotel Posta ... it's hard to believe we've already been here for 3 weeks! I'm going to miss the Solarium, watching shooting stars while sipping limoncello (SO GROSS!), seeing the sunset from Brunos, watching a rainbow rise out of the Mediterranean and plunge back down into golden clouds, seeing the sun rise over fortified buildings and set from an ancient Greek temple, the courtesy and friendliness of the locals, the FOOD, just everything that made this place feel like home for the past month. Visiting the sites, learning about the history of this place has been unbelievable!
I guess what it all comes down to, in terms of what I've realized, is that everything happens for a reason. Me getting upset over stupid drama half a world away helps me realize how virtually unimportant it is. In the grand scheme of things, it's completely worthless and finding out about yourself is key. If you don't know who YOU are, what hope could you possibly have to even attempt to understand anyone else? I know who I am, I know what I can handle and ultimately, what's important to me. I've learned what's worth fighting for and I've realized what will never be important enough to worry about. I've come to the realization, and this is a huge deal for me, that I shouldn't worry about the things I can't change, the things I have no control over. I've dealt with things here that have shown me the kind of person I am. I want to be strong and independent and I will be. I want to be able to leave 2005 behind and focus on 2006 and I will.
My eyes have been brown this whole trip. :-) (That sounds ridiculous but if you know me well enough, it will make sense!) The more I hang out with everyone, the more upset I get at the thought of us all having to leave this place. Siracusa is magical ... the people, the scenery ... it's enchanting. Driving back from Colette's tonight (we went to a little house in the country where we were taught how to make authentic Sicilian dishes and had an amazing time!)and seeing the stars ... wow! I've never seen the same sky before. I mean, I've looked at it from the Solarium, but in the country, on the farm, you can visualize every single star. You see stars in the sky beside you, not just up there, trillions of miles away. It made me completely appreciate nature in its entirety and helped me appreciate everything all over again. I LOVE ORTIGIA, SIRACUSA, SICILY, ITALY! I most definitely want to come back here; I love it! I've grown to care for these kids so much; we've all gotten close in one aspect or another, we're all connected in some way. It's almost midnight and almost Stomp's birthday so we're heading out to celebrate. Yay for Italia! I'm such a happy girl :-)"
Aw. Good times! If I can give you one word of advice about college ... STUDY ABROAD!!!!! Don't think. Just do. :-) Thanks for the awesome experiences <3
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